Ask Aurora
This week's question comes from Muffless in Massachusetts.
View attachment 3360492
She asks........
Dear Aurora,
You have such legendary beard and muffs. How do I get them? People say ‘drink coffee, it puts hair on your chest”. Is there something I can eat or drink to grow myself a stylish beard & muffs?
Signed,
Muffless in Massachusetts
Dear Muffless,
You are of course correct. I have splendid beard and muffs. I have spent a lot of time growing and grooming them to be the truly spectacular display you see today.
View attachment 3360488
How can you grow them if you don’t already have them is quite a conundrum. But of course, I understand why you want such luscious facial feathers. What is a chicken that is not blessed with superior genetics like me to do? Time for some research. I grabbed my trusty bearded sidekick and we set off to solve the mystery.
View attachment 3360489
We asked every chicken we could find, performed exhaustive research on both Beakbook and the internet. These are all the things we could find that will supposedly put “Feathers on your Face”.
- Black Coffee
- Tabasco Sauce (or Anything Spicy)
- Bread Crust
- Hard Work Scratching and Digging
- Wheaties
- Whisky
- Spinach
- Horseradish Sauce
- Worcestershire Sauce
- Buttermilk
- Responsibility
There seem to be 2 categories of ways to get “Feathers on your Face”, eating certain foods and Working Hard. First, let’s look at all of those things you can eat to achieve a thick gorgeous set of facial feathers. We can rule out some of these immediately:
- Bread Crust
- Spinach
- Wheaties
All of these have been consumed here by many birds including hundreds of songbirds. Have you ever seen a songbird with muffs and/or a beard? Crazy. This is just patently false. Busted!
View attachment 3360486View attachment 3360487
These two are just flat out dangerous. These myths are put out there by chickens trying to get revenge on other chickens without being hen enough to do it themselves. Both of these will kill you if consumed in any quantity. Dare we call them busted? I say so, Busted!
- Tabasco Sauce (or Anything Spicy)
- Horseradish Sauce
- Worcestershire Sauce
- Buttermilk
These are your bitter and spicey foods. I can honestly say that Betty and I love spicey food. There may actually be something to these. Of course, Sydney also eats spicey foods and she has a clean face but maybe it just doesn’t work for everyone. These may be worth giving a try.
That leaves the activity-based means of growing facial feathers. Let’s address them individually.
- Hard Work Scratching and Digging
There is one hen here who never stops moving. She is always scratching and digging. To be frank, I find her exhausting. She is even difficult to peck when needed as she moves so much. That hen is Glynda. If scratching and digging was going to grow facial feathers, Glynda would have a beard down to her knees. She definitely does not. I call this busted!
What would Glynda look like if this were true?
View attachment 3360493
Our final way to grow facial feathers
I’m pretty certain this one is busted as well. I have heard of no hen who carried more weight and responsibility than the queen who was before me, Queen Lilly. Her reign was peaceful and just. Even when injured and it was hard for her to move, she still made certain we were all protected as best she could. She oversaw multiple successful tribe expansions. Yet she never grew a beard. This photo alone says Busted!
View attachment 3360515
So, my best available advice is to eat as much spicey food as possible. You will need your human’s support as it is hard to find spicey plants. Perhaps one of your roosters might know where some are. Don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen for you. Not everyone can be blessed with beautiful facial feathers. That does not mean you are less of a chicken. Every chicken has value and purpose no matter what they look like………..
except maybe for Phyllis…………
Although I guess her purpose could be to just annoy the crap out of me.
Yours,
Aurora
View attachment 3360498
