Fluffy Butt Acres: Stories of our flock

[RoyalChick]

Bless you for having the fortitude to go through this. IMO, a gentle lie to someone who is not quite right - for whatever reason - IS the best for them. Since you and Dad (who, I assume, was completely of sound mind) were okay with what you were able to do, I think you did the correct thing. I worked in an alzheimers ward for many years as a CNA, and what I can tell you is the negative emotions(and positive) linger even if they don't know why. If I was on shift and had to block/redirect, etc a patient from 'escaping' the ward when a guest was entering/leaving, I could not be the one to care for them that evening, because the emotion of anger would linger & whenever they saw me that nigh,t would get upset all over again...even though they didn't know why. (I worked with a great group, and we would just 'trade patients' for the shift when something like that happened.) SO...a little white lie, or ignoring a trigger - IS the correct thing to do. Just as @Kris5902 said...don't contradict them if they said they never did 'X', because they truly don't remember doing it...they will feel like you are either calling them a liar, or confusing them or they feel like they are stupid.

A daughter used to visit her mom every weekend (she lived a couple hours away), and initially she would cry every time because her mom would think she was her mother (i.e. daughter's grandma). I reframed it for her: Your mom KNOWS you are related to her, but what she can remember are things from her teens and early 20s right now. So, that is the only person you could logically be - because she hadn't had a daughter yet. The fact that she 'recognizes' you (as her mother), and is happy to see you - shows that. Try not to correct her - just go with the fact that at she has the emotional memory of you, even if she can't quite get who you really are....and that emotional memory is one of love and happiness to see you!

And yes, just to reassure, my Dad was of sound mind and remained so until the day he died in his mid-90s. But he was dreadfully upset by the whole situation and used to cry every evening after we had got my mother off to bed. He was a gentle soul and was crying for me as well as my mother and himself too. He hated unhappiness and cruelty of any sort. He was really not made for this world (though he managed through it for more than 90 years!). He would be 101 today (actually yesterday) if he were still alive. I guess he was on my mind and this conversation prompted the memories.

 

[RoyalChick]

Was for you and your willingess to share how to love someone with dementia - hard as it may be.
Are for ALL you are going through: Mom, DH, in-laws, remoteness, RV/lack of water & electric, etc., etc., etc.....

And, finally You continue to amaze me: you are a strong, capable woman. I would have cracked long ago. You are amazing & an inspiration!

She really is amazing - I too find @Kris5902 an inspiration and know I could never manage through what she handles in her stride (even if she does sometimes faceplant on a baby chick!).

 

[featherhead007]

I am in all seriousness looking to hire some goats. Or is that rent some goats?
It is impossible to get behind the barn because it is so overgrown, but there is some serious siding repair that needs doing and a new roof.
I thought maybe goats for a week could clear it enough that we could get access.

Never heard of carpenter goats before!

 

[Ponypoor]

And yes, just to reassure, my Dad was of sound mind and remained so until the day he died in his mid-90s. But he was dreadfully upset by the whole situation and used to cry every evening after we had got my mother off to bed. He was a gentle soul and was crying for me as well as my mother and himself too. He hated unhappiness and cruelty of any sort. He was really not made for this world (though he managed through it for more than 90 years!). He would be 101 today (actually yesterday) if he were still alive. I guess he was on my mind and this conversation prompted the memories.

Oh he sounds like a wonderful person

Funny what can make one remember our family who are no longer here. Bitter sweet memories but still good memories to be enjoyed.

 

[Ponypoor]

She really is amazing - I too find @Kris5902 an inspiration and know I could never manage through what she handles in her stride (even if she does sometimes faceplant on a baby chick!).

@Kris5902 is a newfoundlander who are renowned for their fortitude and strength of character

 

[Ponypoor]

The SkyHawk seats four. How much does a sheeps weigh?

Average around and adult male in weight.

So 3 sheeple, but you can take off with way more hens, esp if you can get them to all start flapping on take off....

 

[Ponypoor]

With my mother it was all about not engaging in exactly how I was managing the house and getting meals for my Dad. She wanted everything done exactly as she did it, but I had a full time job so Dad and I compromised. We just didn’t tell her So when she said things like did you get the exact flavor pie or did you vacuum under the sofa, I would just say ‘of course’, and when she accused me of undermining her because I always had to know best and how I had always hated her etc., I just disengaged and went to do something else.
She didn’t have Alzheimer’s, she had secondary tumors in her brain from advanced breast cancer - but it messes with personality just the same way.
I loved her very much and I know she loved me, but that last year was tough and I am totally at peace that my Dad and I spent a year lying to her.

You are a very wise person. Those are tough lessons to learn.

Sometimes a lie is good medicine.

 

[featherhead007]

Average around and adult male in weight.

So 3 sheeple, but you can take off with way more hens, esp if you can get them to all start flapping on take off....

I’d like to see that!

 

[Ponypoor]

Thanks for sharing this, I’m sorry for your loss and how challenging that was for you. It’s hard, especially as a fundamentally honest person, to outright lie to them, but I’ve read that sometimes it’s actually the kindest thing you can do, or to at least skirt the truth around a difficult or triggering subject. Like when they say something like “oh I was talking with your uncle bill last week about Johnny’s math tutoring” but “uncle bill” has been deceased for a decade and Johnny is a chemist with a wife, two teens and a college student as kids… just play along, because for them it was just yesterday, because reminding them that uncle bill isn’t with us anymore will upset and embarrass them, and make them angry or they will re-live the grief of losing their own beloved sibling. It’s such a delicate and challenging situation and it’s going to be different for everyone going through it. But it’s something I would like to see more openly discussed as a society, because so many people are going through these challenges, and thinking they are alone facing it. Maybe I feel it a bit more acutely because I’m so isolated myself in the last five months prior to my town trip I had seen less than ten people outside of DH and his family (who I avoid like the plague )

Kris there was a movie way back when about a family who's (I think father) was diagnosed with a disease that affected his memory. Wish I could remember the name of that movie.

Anyways the family initiated a story and gave the man a whole new 'life' due to the fact that trying to tell the truth to him affected him so badly.

Hmmm now that I am think about it, I think the man couldn't come to terms with a terminal diagnosis. And became delusional.

It was a eureka moment for me as a Nurse, and I started 'going along' with my geriatric patients' memories. Some of their families were very upset with me, but many realized that going along reduced confrontational situations.

You too are a very wise person to recognize this

 

[Ponypoor]

Coin was tossed. I’m going to see my horse tomorrow. (And possibly stop by the lake for a bit of lunch )

Take pics!