I know what you're talking about. It's not off topic imo, loss is part of chicken-keeping ,among other things. I've been in tears for others' losses here too. Take care of yourself; sometimes stepping away is the perfect thing to do to help yourself cope.
BBQ may be molting, do you think? Hazel, when she went through a normal molt, really went off her normal diet and wanted nothing but worms, bugs and dandelion greens. She loved unsalted sardines.
To add to what
@Ponypoor said about life-
1. People have sayings that refer to the unpredictable and unfair way life can be, that basically either make religious or games of chance references. These serve as reminders to us that there's lots in life that is not really under our control. Recognizing what is and what isn't, is a big part of managing your way through it. Peanut was on her way to an early death, and the vet and I think there is nothing I could have done to prevent it except to have found a chick with better genetics. She thought it was most likely not her feed or any other conditions I have control over. What I
could do was prevent a great deal of further suffering, by euthanizing her. Ultimately, a long life was not "in the cards" for her. Her sibling Popcorn is apparently healthy as a horse (are horses healthy? Hah!), Hazel is fine, and we don't know what's up with Butters. Same conditions for all four.
But in the meantime, Peanut had a really very good and definitely not a miserable life, in the majority. And three years is short but not insanely short like poor Eli.
2. Then, being able to carry on during and after bad things happening is the other part of getting through life. That is something that definitely takes practice. Which you are probably realizing you are getting these days. It might help you to remember that psychologists say we make a bigger deal out of bad things than good things, and that probably this is hard-wired into us from the beginning of being human. You know, avoiding eating that one poisonous plant is way more critical than looking for one good edible plant. Good plants don't make the same impression a bad one does! This is wired into our natures.
I'm not trying to minimize the bad things you experience, but to give you a bit of perspective on maybe your own natural reaction to the bad things. This may be why a lot of self-help guides recommend practicing gratitude as a counter to the natural emphasis we put on bad things. People do this through prayer and spiritual connection, or listing the good things they encountered each day in a diary, or singing or drawing or painting about it, or thinking about what they appreciate about their friends and family.
One of the Buckeye gang in December 2020, either Peanut or Butters, probably Peanut by her coloring.
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