Holy wow! Is everyone ok? & the sign looks great!
So this is my story & opinion on this subject, take it as you wish...
That was my marriage. My ex's family hated me. I literally did nothing wrong, but the first time I met my future father in law he had a stick up his butt about me. Something about 'where I came from' was close to where he'd met my ex's mother (no matter that it wasn't the same place, but I digress). When my ex asked me to marry him, w/o getting his dad's input, my loser ex took me w/ him to tell his dad b/c he knew his dad would be mad (then why do it?!). His dad gave me a flower as a 'peace offering'. Peace offering?! I'd done nothing wrong. We got married in a beautiful Catholic church that his step-mom went to.. during the photos his dad made a gesture like he was going to push me down the steps. Again.. why? I'd done nothing wrong. When I was pregnant w/ my older daughter months later my ex's cousin was getting married. I assumed I was invited to the bridal shower w/ his mom. I bought them a gift & we came over to his parent's house the day of the shower. His mom told me that b/c my baby might be messed up (at that point we'd gotten back a test result that said she had calcium deposits in her heart and might have downs syndrome, though a blood test said she was fine) that they didn't want to invite me. I gave her my gift to give to them, smiled and said that's ok. I understand. It wasn't ok and I didn't understand. It was a rude and crappy thing to do. After my daughter was born my ex decided that he wanted to track down his mom. I helped, hoping that she would be nice and like me. I was wrong. They were just as horrible as his dad. We visited them once and they were taking pictures. I remember standing outside their house. My husband holding my daughter on his left arm. Me standing by his right. All smiling, together. They took the camera in and printed out the picture, then brought it out and gave him a copy. They'd cropped me out of it. It was a rude and crappy thing to do. I had literally done nothing wrong. When I got pregnant w/ my youngest I put a cute little shirt on my daughter that said Big Sister and sent her out to show them her new shirt. I watched through a mirror from another room. No smiles, just a look of disappointment. Later in the kitchen, my FIL asked my husband if 'he wanted this'.. later he suggested an abortion. What I didn't know was that my husband was an adulterer (the real kind where there's a bunch of women he'd been running around with) and he'd been telling his parents one thing, while reality was very different. I was not welcome with either part of his family, though I tried my hardest to make them like me. Crappy remarks, back handed compliments. When I was pregnant w/ my younger one we were at his parent's place for a graduation party for his mom who had finished nursing school. I was inside the play room w/ my oldest. She was playing w/ an elmo toy. His mom came up to us, took the toy and gave it to the woman she was talking to and said Thanks for letting them borrow it, they didn't need it anymore b/c their grandson was too old for it.. ignoring that she literally took it from her granddaughter's hands.
So yeah... 8 years of crap like this over and over again. One thing I learned was that my ex was NEVER going to stand up for me. Ever. I'll never know what kind of crap he told his parents. What stories he created to make them believe that I had trapped him and forced him to marry me (which couldn't be further from the truth). Or if his parent's concocted these stories on their own after their son didn't meet their exceptions and immediately blamed the harlot he was running around with. I just know that I never felt accepted in their family & that they went well out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. After we separated he had the balls to tell me that his dad said I was doing a good job raising my kids. B/c apparently his approval was to mean everything to me. We were well past the point that his opinion mattered to me.
I'm not trying to make you feel like your husband doesn't love you, he's likely one of those guys who just wants to make everyone happy and you end up getting the short end of the stick every time b/c it's easier on him to piss off one person than 10. I totally get how you feel & you are justified in being upset b/c they could have easily cropped the photo so the deceased relatives photos would be saved. I don't blame you for not wanting to attend events with his family. No one should have to put up with that kind of attitude when they're just trying to have a nice time. You're fully justified in staying home and you shouldn't have to mince words about it. "I don't feel welcome, you should go, and have a nice time." And if someone happens to ask where you are he should say "She said she doesn't feel welcome.", naturally they'll say "I don't see why not" and all he has to say is "Really?" and walk away... b/c you're not the problem, they are. It's not that hard to be civil to someone. Of course he'd have to actually say these things, which in the spirit of keeping the peace he won't. The problem could be something so stupid as they liked his ex-wife and they're mad at you for it even though it's not your fault. So your husband needs to say to them "Tough taters, the ex is gone and Cindi is here to stay. You need to get over it, it's been 9+ years. Move on and start treating my wife like she's part of the family like I have for all the jerks you taters have married." It's really easy to be passive and be like Well this is only a problem once or twice a year. No, it's a problem all the time, it's only a problem for him once or twice a year. Either he's not paying attention or he's blind to it. Another idea that might work is for you to send them all a letter and explain to them how you feel unwelcome & that while they might not like you or are giving you grief b/c they liked hubby's ex they're forgetting that their son/brother made the decision to marry you and it's disrespectful to him to treat you this way (give examples & point out that you don't see any of the others getting this treatment). Even if they crap all over it, you tried. Make a copy and share it with your husband and see if he finally gets it.
(This was really hard to type b/c I wanted to use a lot of bad words in there and I couldn't... b/c "family site".)
Oh Apryl, this post.... (sigh.)
It hurt so much to read this the first time, and I saved it to answer, because there is no quick response. And there is nothing in here I could bring myself to "like" cuz, well, it's awful, frankly.
There is so much terrible, cringe-worthy, horrible-human-being stuff here that it was hard to read. And I'm sorry. And I wanted to reach out through the Internet and give you a gigantic hug, and tell you how much you never deserved that, and how better off you are being away from those toxic, awful, heartless people.
I can't even pick out one particularly awful story in there, because it's all like "are you freaking kidding me???!!" Which is exactly (and more, although like you, I can't say it because this is a family friendly site) what I kept saying as I read through it.
Ugh. Just.....UGH.
You do know you are lovely, and worthy, and a good person, and a good friend, a good mother...who should have cut and run a long time ago? I'm hoping--and thinking--that you regained a bit of your self-esteem back when you and the ex broke up, and now that there is time and distance, you've gotten it all back?
As far as everything you say at the end: I agree with it all. He's been passive all his life, and the huge fights and breakups we have had were always pretty much about how he never stood up for me with his family.
(The youngest daughter, well now--we met when she was 11, she hated me, she caused a huge amount of trouble through her teenage years, and he basically let her do and say back then whatever she wanted to. So that was a whole other story, but we won't go there, cuz it's over and done, and although she never apologized, she has two babies of her own now, and I think she sees things differently. And I am always gracious when she and her brood come to visit, and it is not bad, not at all. It only took about 7-8 years to get there, ha.)
I actually did start writing a letter to his family. And then I was like: F*ck it. I was so furious from all that built-up resentment and anger that I just unleashed it all on his poor old 93 year old mom, who will now spread the word to the rest of his clan.
And they all know now that I am not coming, to anything. Till (if!) I decide to.
So sorry you had to go through that, my friend. You deserved better. You deserve better.
Edited--as usual--for bad typing.
