Fluffy Butt Acres: Stories of our flock

[BY Bob]

Been fighting headaches and neck and back pain......the nausea is the worst.

That sounds terrible.

 

[BY Bob]

Good morning so far! Jaffar is still inside with us. Not a crow at all from him yet (rule: no crowing in the house) but I need to get something off my chest. Coco is laying comfortably on my chest and I can’t pet her ( molt hurts her) I’m gonna have to get up sometime today!

Such a great problem to have.

 

[RoyalChick]

Ask Aurora

Our very first question comes from Diana.

View attachment 3337054

Diana asks:

Dear Aurora,
I am the ruler of my little tribe but Bernadette keeps taking my roosting spot. I peck her on the head but she ignores me. She jumps on top of me and she is very big. She has no manners.

What can I do?

Diana


Diana,
I am going to make a guess that you have achieved your lofty position through survival and attrition and not through ambition and action. It is clear that this insolent tramp Bernadette has no respect for her betters, including you. My guess is that you have one of these soft humans who dotes on you all and wishes “everyone would just get along”. Don’t listen to her. She knows nothing about the way of chickens. I am going to provide you with some advice that I hope you are hen enough to appreciate.

First and foremost, Niccolo Machiavelli said it best when he said, “He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command.” It is clear you do not know how to command and do not have the respect of your lessors. So how do you gain the respect of your lessors? I can sum it up in one word.

FEAR

They need to fear you. More importantly, they need to fear your capriciousness. Attacking out of the blue for no apparent reason over nothing is a great way to engender fear and gain their respect. This needs to be a constant campaign. My second in command is much larger than me but is a sweet lady. Everybody loves her. They call her Hattie the Nice. She used to tell me to stop taking her food. Ha! I took it anyway.

How was I able to crush her and become Queen of my Tribe? I tried fighting her one on one, but like Bernadette, she was larger than me and others helped her because she was nice. However, I constantly harassed her and when the opportunity arose to pass her, I seized it. I now spend time every day attacking her for no reason. She must be constantly reminded that I am her better. To quote the great Machiavelli again, “It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.”

You pecking Bernadette in the head only at bedtime when she takes something that is rightfully yours is pitiful. She does not fear it. I’m sure you give up after a couple of pecks and accept that she has taken what is yours for the night. Have you ever just thrown her off the roost for no reason? Try it sometime. It feels amazing.

I hope for your sake you take my advice and begin your campaign of fear soon. If not, it is certain that someday a hen with ambition, like yours truly, will come along and depose you as I did with Hattie the Nice. In fact, this Bernadette kind of reminds me of someone. You better get her in line quickly or you may suffer the same fate that Hattie did.

View attachment 3337057

Oh too funny. I will relay Aurora’s advice when I get back home this weekend.

 

[RebeccaBoyd]

Ask Aurora

Our very first question comes from Diana.

View attachment 3337054

Diana asks:

Dear Aurora,
I am the ruler of my little tribe but Bernadette keeps taking my roosting spot. I peck her on the head but she ignores me. She jumps on top of me and she is very big. She has no manners.

What can I do?

Diana


Diana,
I am going to make a guess that you have achieved your lofty position through survival and attrition and not through ambition and action. It is clear that this insolent tramp Bernadette has no respect for her betters, including you. My guess is that you have one of these soft humans who dotes on you all and wishes “everyone would just get along”. Don’t listen to her. She knows nothing about the way of chickens. I am going to provide you with some advice that I hope you are hen enough to appreciate.

First and foremost, Niccolo Machiavelli said it best when he said, “He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command.” It is clear you do not know how to command and do not have the respect of your lessors. So how do you gain the respect of your lessors? I can sum it up in one word.

FEAR

They need to fear you. More importantly, they need to fear your capriciousness. Attacking out of the blue for no apparent reason over nothing is a great way to engender fear and gain their respect. This needs to be a constant campaign. My second in command is much larger than me but is a sweet lady. Everybody loves her. They call her Hattie the Nice. She used to tell me to stop taking her food. Ha! I took it anyway.

How was I able to crush her and become Queen of my Tribe? I tried fighting her one on one, but like Bernadette, she was larger than me and others helped her because she was nice. However, I constantly harassed her and when the opportunity arose to pass her, I seized it. I now spend time every day attacking her for no reason. She must be constantly reminded that I am her better. To quote the great Machiavelli again, “It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.”

You pecking Bernadette in the head only at bedtime when she takes something that is rightfully yours is pitiful. She does not fear it. I’m sure you give up after a couple of pecks and accept that she has taken what is yours for the night. Have you ever just thrown her off the roost for no reason? Try it sometime. It feels amazing.

I hope for your sake you take my advice and begin your campaign of fear soon. If not, it is certain that someday a hen with ambition, like yours truly, will come along and depose you as I did with Hattie the Nice. In fact, this Bernadette kind of reminds me of someone. You better get her in line quickly or you may suffer the same fate that Hattie did.

View attachment 3337057

I have been excitedly waiting to read our very first Ask Aurora response and this did not let me down. The way you wrote it, if chickens could talk I could totally see this coming from Aurora herself. Bravo! I excitedly look forward to next weeks edition.

 

[featherhead007]

Such a great problem to have.

There are drawbacks to such attentive chooks!

 

[BY Bob]

I have been excitedly waiting to read our very first Ask Aurora response and this did not let me down. The way you wrote it, if chickens could talk I could totally see this coming from Aurora herself. Bravo! I excitedly look forward to next weeks edition.

I was curious if I could find her voice. Hopefully I can get better at answering as she would. Mrs BY Bob was very put off by Aurora's point of view.

 

[RebeccaBoyd]

It is time for some Twig love. I took these video's yesterday of him. Before I started filming he was in the middle of a 3 way crow off. Bring out the camera and he shuts up. Now this was all before I got upset with him at bedtime last night and had to put him in his place. Butter was late coming to the roost and he flew down and chased her and then pinned her. She was submitting but he was being unnecessarily rough with her and Branch and Bubba saw it and neither one offered to come down off the roost for a beating. I had to step in and pull him off of her. With him still in my arms I put Butter up on the roost then proceeded to carry him around like a baby for about 15 minutes. The hormonal idiot stage has hit hard with this one. Branch and Bubba need to step up their game here soon.

 

[featherhead007]

It is time for some Twig love. I took these video's yesterday of him. Before I started filming he was in the middle of a 3 way crow off. Bring out the camera and he shuts up. Now this was all before I got upset with him at bedtime last night and had to put him in his place. Butter was late coming to the roost and he flew down and chased her and then pinned her. She was submitting but he was being unnecessarily rough with her and Branch and Bubba saw it and neither one offered to come down off the roost for a beating. I had to step in and pull him off of her. With him still in my arms I put Butter up on the roost then proceeded to carry him around like a baby for about 15 minutes. The hormonal idiot stage has hit hard with this one. Branch and Bubba need to step up their game here soon.

And Twiggy!

 

[RoyalChick]

I was curious if I could her voice. Hopefully I can get better at answering as she would. Mrs BY Bob was very put off by Aurora's point of view.

But it was sooo Aurora. You got her to a tee.

 

[featherhead007]

I took Coco and Jaffar out, but Dakota wanted to come back in with me. I can’t refuse a pretty face!