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Girl, i'd have snatched that photo off the clothesline and excused myself so I could go enjoy my new toilet paper. I'm so glad you aren't me, it is really fun sometimes I swear.:hugs
pitbullmomma said:
OK, so here goes.

I'm gonna preface this by saying that I have been with my DH for 9 years tomorrow. A long time. I have been through a TON of crap with him--his son getting killed, my nephew getting killed, my mom dying, my house getting destroyed in Sandy, my crackup, job loss, you name it. My point is, we have history. And I am his WIFE. And all through it, I have never felt like his family has really liked or accepted me, although they are polite (they are WEIRD. Silent, noncommunicative, non-animal-loving not-my-people- kind of people).

So we went up north like an hour and a half yesterday for a surprise 50th anniversary party for his sister and her husband. It was thrown by DH's nephew and his wife, the anniversary couple's son. We gave them a nice chunk of change and a card and I took a Xanax beforehand (to deal with the stress of going, because I don't like being around that many people and a bunch of screaming kids and stuff). So I thought I was cool, it was all cool.

I go over by the buffet table and they have these clotheslines with all these old family photos strung up. And there staring me in the face, is DH'S WEDDING PICTURE WITH HIS EX WIFE. In her gown, he in his tux, all the old dead family members in the wedding party. Like--are you FREAKING. KIDDING. ME???!!!

Which is exactly what I said. Before I grabbed my beer and stood out on the front porch, fuming. He comes out a while later to see if I was OK, which I was not. He goes, "I told Michael (his nephew) and he covered her head with the clothespin." Frigging REALLY? I was like, I'm not coming in the house till that sh1t comes down, that is ridiculous and unacceptable (needless to say, there are no pics of me and him--nor am I ever invited to be in any of their family photos when they get together, something else that has always bothered me).He comes back out awhile later and says "they took it down. You can come in now." I did, I take another half Xanax, am still fuming and just want to go home.

When I go over to (surreptitiously, not) look and see if it is truly gone, Michael's wife makes some snide-azz remark like "oh we had to move the picture here" as she rearranged the clothespins. I said nothing, taking the high road. In fact, I said pretty much nothing for the rest of the (miserably too-long) evening. On the way home, when I got home, except to mention how totally hosed I think his family is. Then I went to bed. And cried.

I am still upset. Do you think I am overreacting? I don't want to go to any of the rest of their horrible holiday gatherings. They suck.

That's not the first time they've done stuff like that....

And now I feel like crying again. Except I'm mad. Still.


If you have been able to read this whole thing (I know, I know) I would really like your opinion. Thanks~ xo
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21hens-incharge said:
Thanks PBM. Morning was rough, really really rough today.

Ok so.......

What I am hearing you say is that for your entire marriage to him they have been passively aggressively trying to.make you feel unworthy, or less than whatever the ex was.

Um....they are divorced. I kinda think that says she is the unworthy one.

Trying to make you feel like a nothing/nobody is a very hurtful thing to deal with.
You are a very worthy person who deserves so much better.
He obviously knows this since he married you. ;)

Possibly he is just very use to being submissive to them. It sucks taters. He is supposed to be your champion and partner in life.
I doubt it will change.

I would tell him you love him but won't participate in the gatherings anymore. That it is hurtful and you are simply done with that in life.

There are enough people in the world willing to gleefully hurt people. Family shouldn't be on that list.
:hugs
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This was so good, Henny, and thank you.

You are all such good, good friends.

I've been dealing with his family crap for 9 years now, and honestly, it was much worse in the beginning, and when his son died 6 years ago.

I think I am just taking it particularly hard, because my mom died almost a year ago, and I miss her. It is hard when someone you love so much dies and it is the first year and you have all these awful little anniversaries. First Mother's Day, first birthday, first Thanksgiving (that was always our family holiday. Christmas, not so much, but still.)

She would always be the one person I would call and cry to about Joe and his rotten family, and she would always tell me I was a wonderful loving person and not to give a crap because there are just some nasty-assed people in the world, and their lives kinda suck. And maybe they don't even know it yet, but it does. And we would laugh about it and she would tell me she loved me and I would feel better.

At 55, how does one still feel like a child, a lost child, when they lose a mom?

I just cried--for quite some time-- and drank a beer (or two, or three) and wrote her a long, long letter. The actual pen and paper kind. Telling her how much I miss her and how much the holidays suck right now, and how turdlike and assholish some people can be. And I folded it up and stuck it under her urn on my altar, and put a Lafayette feather on top of it, so that if there is such thing as a spirit world (I don't believe in that, although I would love to. But I don't) her soul can sail away, free, on that beautiful BBC feather (she loved birds). And she was funny and perverted like me and would have cracked up at the BBC thing. She was pretty awesome. :)

I feel better, a tiny bit. Thanks for being there, y'all, my good Chicken Frands. You guys are so special to me. Thank you for your advice and love. I'm gonna go to sleep now.

Peace, out, sweet dreams. Talk to you tomorrow. And again, thank you. Sometimes it's tough, but we get by, right?

Love,

Cindi
 
pitbullmomma said:
This was so good, Henny, and thank you.

You are all such good, good friends.

I've been dealing with his family crap for 9 years now, and honestly, it was much worse in the beginning, and when his son died 6 years ago.

I think I am just taking it particularly hard, because my mom died almost a year ago, and I miss her. It is hard when someone you love so much dies and it is the first year and you have all these awful little anniversaries. First Mother's Day, first birthday, first Thanksgiving (that was always our family holiday. Christmas, not so much, but still.)

She would always be the one person I would call and cry to about Joe and his rotten family, and she would always tell me I was a wonderful loving person and not to give a crap because there are just some nasty-assed people in the world, and their lives kinda suck. And maybe they don't even know it yet, but it does. And we would laugh about it and she would tell me she loved me and I would feel better.

At 55, how does one still feel like a child, a lost child, when they lose a mom?

I just cried--for quite some time-- and drank a beer (or two, or three) and wrote her a long, long letter. The actual pen and paper kind. Telling her how much I miss her and how much the holidays suck right now, and how turdlike and assholish some people can be. And I folded it up and stuck it under her urn on my altar, and put a Lafayette feather on top of it, so that if there is such thing as a spirit world (I don't believe in that, although I would love to. But I don't) her soul can sail away, free, on that beautiful BBC feather (she loved birds). And she was funny and perverted like me and would have cracked up at the BBC thing. She was pretty awesome. :)

I feel better, a tiny bit. Thanks for being there, y'all, my good Chicken Frands. You guys are so special to me. Thank you for your advice and love. I'm gonna go to sleep now.

Peace, out, sweet dreams. Talk to you tomorrow. And again, thank you. Sometimes it's tough, but we get by, right?

Love,

Cindi
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Rest well, Cindi!
 
20181203_214057.jpg
The quilted wall hanging i have been working on.
 
PBM, I'm sorry you have been dealing with that crap from DH's family. I agree, he needs them to say whether or not they want you there, and if they do, then he needs to set ground rules for them or you will not be there. First rule, no pictures of the ex, period. Second, you are to be offered the opportunity to be in family pictures. Third, no snide remarks, no comparing you to the ex, no rude looks, if they don't have anything nice to say about you or to you, they needed to not talk about it to you.

In the meantime, don't go to any more gatherings, and tell your DH that his relations may be insensitive or ignorant, but it's his responsibility, as your spouse, to find out if they want you to come to gatherings, and if they do, educate them on how to make you feel like you are not hated outright.
 
Anansi said:
PBM, I'm sorry you have been dealing with that crap from DH's family. I agree, he needs them to say whether or not they want you there, and if they do, then he needs to set ground rules for them or you will not be there. First rule, no pictures of the ex, period. Second, you are to be offered the opportunity to be in family pictures. Third, no snide remarks, no comparing you to the ex, no rude looks, if they don't have anything nice to say about you or to you, they needed to not talk about it to you.

In the meantime, don't go to any more gatherings, and tell your DH that his relations may be insensitive or ignorant, but it's his responsibility, as your spouse, to find out if they want you to come to gatherings, and if they do, educate them on how to make you feel like you are not hated outright.
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Good morning, all.

And thanks, Anansi.

He gets really defensive when I bring anything like that up, and he always insists that 1.) they didn't mean it; 2.) I am too sensitive; 3.) They are just different from my family; 4.) etc.

He actually thinks that his nephew thought it was "funny, like it was a joke" that he put that picture up. Really?! Ha ha, guess what--really not funny.

He is very passive when it comes to his family, he won't come right out and say "this was wrong, and you made Cindi feel like sh1t, and I'm not gonna stand for it anymore. She is my wife."

He said he will say something to his 83 year old mother, because she will say something to her sister, who will then say something to her son and his wfe. Really?! Be a man. Stick up for me. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be right in that family member's face saying do not ever do something idiotic like that again, it is unacceptable.

But he doen't stand up for me with his family and he never has.

When we first got got together, he lived with me a year and a half before he told any of his family about me and where he was living (and I was a doctor, a vet, living in her own house that she bought after moving back to NJ, with a new job and a thousand bucks in her pocket. Not something to be ashamed of). And he finally told his mother about me, he had to write a letter to her to tell her he found someone he was in love with and was living with me. Couldn't say in person.

Because these are people who never talk about their feelings. They do not talk, in fact, about anything.

He gets mad at me when I get upset and turns it around on me that "I don't like his family," that I try to get out of family gatherings all the time. It's to the point where I actively hate this time of year and dread it for months.

The bottom line? He has never stuck up for me with his family, and never will.
 
Ha, I just remembered something else. The gift one year that one of his sisters made for him, which was a family scrapbook (of course, there were no pictures of me in it). Pictures of his kids when they were small, with his ex wife. His pregnant ex wife. His not pregnant ex wife.

And he wonders why I am bitter, why I collect injustices like a jar of tears. He doesn't see it. How can you not, I wonder? But he doesn't. And he just gets angry with me, and accuses me of starting a fight, or of "not being able to let stuff go."

Problem is, there's alot of stuff.
 

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